A while back, I posted about my anxiety disorder and what it means for my blog and my shop. I indicated that I wanted to slow down a bit to allow myself to get a handle on it...instead, I added jewelry making to my repertoire and started moving even faster than before (if that's possible).
The thing is, I felt like the distractions were helping. The more I do, the less time I have to worry (in theory). In practice, though, ignoring my anxiety issues have only made them worse. My panic attacks have become more frequent, and I agonize over things like planting my garden "on time" (a timeline which is created by me) or washing the outside windows on my house (something I didn't get to on Sunday that I will now obsess about until next weekend).
Above all, I fear harm coming to my loved ones. Not in the general way most people fear it (you hope they are safe and want the best for them), but in a way that makes me panic if I drive by an accident and don't know where they are, or I get sick to my stomach if my children are at the beach with their father (who is a wonderful, fully competent parent) because I'm afraid one of them will hit their head, or swim out too far and I won't be there to make sure they're ok.
The odd thing is, that as much as I hate the worry and the panic, part of me is a little afraid that if I let it go, I will lose a part of my personality. I don't take any medications for anything..ever. I'm afraid that if I need to go on something to help me "calm down", I will turn into a stepford wife, or become zombie-like. I fear losing my creativity.
However, with the help of my loved ones, I have managed to take one big step and agreed to "talk" to a doctor about some tools I could use to manage my anxiety.
Why do I mention this here on my blog? The reason is two-fold. First, it may be a little quiet around here as I get my feet under me. Not tooo quiet, because writing is really very cathartic for me (as is creating/crafting/jewelry making), but for a few weeks at least, I think my focus will need to be elsewhere.
Secondly, I think it's important for these types of things to not be taboo. This is part of who I am as much as my sense of humor and fondness for chocolate pudding. I do not think anyone should ever feel ashamed about recognizing that they have challenges to face that may be a little different and I hope that by recognizing my challenges here, perhaps someone else who has been putting off getting help will gain a little courage as well.
Hugs and Smooches,
D
