Monday, July 9, 2012

My Inner Demons Look Like Telly Monster..

A while back, I posted about my anxiety disorder and what it means for my blog and my shop.  I indicated that I wanted to slow down a bit to allow myself to get a handle on it...instead, I added jewelry making to my repertoire and started moving even faster than before (if that's possible).

The thing is, I felt like the distractions were helping.  The more I do, the less time I have to worry (in theory).  In practice, though, ignoring my anxiety issues have only made them worse.  My panic attacks have become more frequent, and I agonize over things like planting my garden "on time" (a timeline which is created by me) or washing the outside windows on my house (something I didn't get to on Sunday that I will now obsess about until next weekend). 

Above all, I fear harm coming to my loved ones.  Not in the general way most people fear it (you hope they are safe and want the best for them), but in a way that makes me panic if I drive by an accident and don't know where they are, or I get sick to my stomach if my children are at the beach with their father (who is a wonderful, fully competent parent) because I'm afraid one of them will hit their head, or swim out too far and I won't be there to make sure they're ok.

The odd thing is, that as much as I hate the worry and the panic, part of me is a little afraid that if I let it go, I will lose a part of my personality.  I don't take any medications for anything..ever.  I'm afraid that if I need to go on something to help me "calm down", I will turn into a stepford wife, or become zombie-like.  I fear losing my creativity.

However, with the help of my loved ones, I have managed to take one big step and agreed to "talk" to a doctor about some tools I could use to manage my anxiety.

Why do I mention this here on my blog?  The reason is two-fold.  First, it may be a little quiet around here as I get my feet under me.  Not tooo quiet, because writing is really very cathartic for me (as is creating/crafting/jewelry making), but for a few weeks at least, I think my focus will need to be elsewhere. 

Secondly, I think it's important for these types of things to not be taboo.  This is part of who I am as much as my sense of humor and fondness for chocolate pudding.  I do not think anyone should ever feel ashamed about recognizing that they have challenges to face that may be a little different and I hope that by recognizing my challenges here, perhaps someone else who has been putting off getting help will gain a little courage as well.

Hugs and Smooches,


  1. I have an old family friend who has the same issue as well as once worked with a co-worker. I have a bit of it myself but it is mostly school based and I am done with that now. What worked for them is a pill that you could take when the panic comes on, not an every day thing like you have to do with anti-depressants but a us it when you need it thing. One of the above people also uses marajauana, seems to be like speed works for those with add to calm them down pot works for this person the make them feel less ankshus. Just some things to think about while figuring some things out. Hope it helps.

    1. Thanks for the suggestions! Something to think about. I appreciate the support <3

  2. I think it is very brave of you to talk about this openly on your blog. In my case, I was experiencing anxiety as a side effect of depression. By treating the depression, with talk therapy and anti-depressants, I have been able to greatly reduce my day-to-day anxiety. Medication is not for everyone, but I do encourage you to talk to a professional about your concerns. I have found that anti-depressants have "raised the floor" of my moods. That is to say, I don't feel like a zombie, but I no longer spiral into despair when any little thing goes wrong. Talking about your mental health is always a positive step and a sign of good things to come in your life. I wish you all the best.

  3. I really hope your doc can help you out. I can tell you from my own experience that taking a pill is definitely not the solution for everyone. Talking & figuring out your own mind can be a bit daunting but really worth it in the end. And certainly nothing shameful about it either - it can take a lot of courage & strength to get through it. I completely understand your garden planting timeline! I used to do the same thing.
    Now go and sit down and have a cup of tea. *hugs* xx

    1. Thank you, sweetie, I appreciate the encouragement (and the hugs ;-) xo

  4. I hope things are getting better for you - I can be very much the same. I tend to hope I can "ride out" any depressing thoughts until things just get better. For me, just talking with someone about my stress, realizing I needed to "let go" of a few things and focusing on some things that make me happy worked well. I wish the same for you.


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